Words of Wisdom, Email Newsletter
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WoW 127: On sexual minimalism
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The modern world is hyperfocused on things, technology, and sex. Sex is perhaps the least popular to constrain.
Minimalism is an approach that seeks simplicity and intentionality with physical objects to avoid an over-attachment to the physical world so you can get the most out of life.
Digital minimalism is, according to Cal Newport, a “philosophy of technology use in which you focus your online time on a small number of carefully selected and optimized activities that strongly support things you value, and then happily miss out on everything else.”*
Today I’m introducing what I call sexual minimalism.
I’ve become convinced that we need a philosophy for our sexual desire to in order to flourish.
On one end of the extreme, people say that desire is bad, that it should be avoided, shut down, or shamed. This is often an attempt to control in some ways: either a desire to control yourself, in order to avoid pain, or a desire to control others because of lust for power or an overly simplistic view of sex.
On the other end of the extreme is indulgence. In this view people say that desire is good, that it should be celebrated and prioritized and that you should do whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as it doesn’t harm someone else. Close to this view is those that fancy themselves modern by pointing out that desire is merely an appetite, that we are no more than biological creatures who have engrained sexual appetites and that they can be fed however we please.
Sexual minimalism lies in the middle saying sexual desire is both incredibly good and incredibly powerful and can be delightful or dangerous.
Sexual minimalism says desire is a doorway, and should be carefully watched and mastered.
Sexual minimalism focuses on simplicity and service. Saying yes to desire so long as it serves yourself and your spouse and brings holistic flourishing. Our sexual desire is not in a vacuum to our other values and fits in a constellation of choices.
Sexual minimalism is rooted in a biblical worldview that states that we belong to the Kingdom of God and in that Kingdom our bodies are not our own. God created us and invites us to the flourishing life in which sexual desire is a wonderful citizen, but neither king, queen, or slave.
Sexual minimalism asks: is this the best way to use my mind and body that fits my values?
Benefits
Sexual minimalism helps you declutter your mind. If you are too focused on sexual desire it will hijack your brain and prevent you from being deeply present. Pornography, for example, is damaging and destroys your brain.
Freeing yourself from selfish sexual desire frees you to love well. Until you can experience sexual minimalism you will have a low capacity for relational intimacy.
Freeing yourself from selfish sexual desire also empowers you to live well. Discipline in one area requires and leads to discipline and freedom in other areas.
Quotes
" ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything.”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20, ESV
“There are two ways in which a practical moralist may attempt to displace from the human heart its love of the world: either (1) by a demonstration of the world’s vanity, such that the heart will be prevailed upon to simply withdraw its regards from an object that is not worthy of it; or (2) by proposing another object, even God, as more worthy of its attachment, such that the heart will be prevailed upon not simply to quit an old affection (which would have nothing to succeed it), but to exchange an old affection for a new one.”
Thomas Chalmers, The Expulsive Power of a New Affection
Questions
What is the most difficult aspect of sexual minimalism to accept?
What lies or stories must you surrender in order to grow in sexual minimalism?
(Use these questions as a journal prompt and to guide your prayers this week)
Endnote
The narrow way of sexual minimalism brings freedom.
Live wisely,
Josh
*Cal Newport, Digital Minimalism
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